Wait.Hope.Expect

A couple weekends ago, I was visiting my mother-in-law while Brent went hunting with his dad and brother. I noticed a magnet on her refrigerator that read: wait. hope. expect. At first glance, I didn't get it or realize what it meant exactly. Then the next day, I was there at the sink again and re-read it. A light bulb went on in my head! I get it!

{WAIT} was one of the first words I heard from The Lord when receiving our news and for many days after. Even now, just in different ways, I am finding out how to wait on Him. I was to wait on Him and not abort. I was to wait on Him with the decision about the doctor.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." {Jeremiah 1:5}

Psalm 139 {The Voice}
13 For You shaped me, inside and out. You knitted me together in my mother’s womb long before I took my first breath.

14 I will offer You my grateful heart, for I am Your unique creation, filled with wonder and awe.
You have approached even the smallest details with excellence;
Your works are wonderful;
I carry this knowledge deep within my soul.

15 You see all things; nothing about me was hidden from You
As I took shape in secret,
carefully crafted in the heart of the earth before I was born from its womb.

16 You see all things;
You saw me growing, changing in my mother’s womb;
Every detail of my life was already written in Your book;
You established the length of my life before I ever tasted the sweetness of it.

17 Your thoughts and plans are treasures to me, O God! I cherish each and every one of them!
How grand in scope! How many in number!

18 If I could count each one of them, they would be more than all the grains of sand on earth. Their number is inconceivable!
Even when I wake up, I am still near to You.

We can't know exactly how this will play out in the end. Only God. We must wait on Him and trust Him always. He sees the big picture. I hear Him telling me to: {Wait on Me, I have something more in store for you and this baby. Don't end her life}.

God of Ages {Hillsong United}
You are the God who lives, You are the God who heals
You are my hope my everything
You brought salvation to us offered your peace to the earth
You are my Lord my everything
I'll trust in You

Next I heard {HOPE}. The first couple days were full of tears. I felt as though I couldn't breathe. An old song started to play in my head: Treasure {ShadoWalk}. The theme of that song and title of the album: "what's your hope built on?"

One thing's for sure, the storm is going to come
So I've got to ask you what's your hope built on?
Is it built on the sand?
I'm talking about things like fame, success, friendship, money and romance.
Or Is it built upon the rock?
'Cause in the end, that's the only thing that's for sure.
'Cause neither death, nor life, not the past, not the present, and not the future. Nothing under the earth, nothing over the earth, nothing on the earth. Nothing in all creation can separate us from the love of God. {Shadow Walk}

On our first ultrasound, when given the news, our baby's gender was not reveal. But I was sure we were expecting another girl. We had the name Lyla but we had not decided on a middle name. That week, after our news and before finding out the gender, the name hope was given to me. The Lord gave me that name to always remember where my hope lies. In Him.

Song of Hope {Robbie Seay Band}
I will sing a song of hope
Sing along
God of heaven come down
Heaven come down
Just to know that You are near is enough
God of heaven come down, heaven come down

Lastly, I heard {EXPECT}. I feel like this part is both wait and hope. It's unpredictable for us to know the end result, how exactly this journey will play out. Only The Lord knows what lies ahead and we must wait, hope and continue to trust in Him because we know He sees the big picture. We know that for sure. We also know that however this turns out that Lyla will be healed, fully restored. Will it look like what I have pictured and desire? I don't know. We can expect complete healing but will my perspective and outlook on that look the same as God's perspective? Either way she will be healed but which way will reveal God's glory and power the most? To know this, we must wait and see. We can expect Him to see us through this, no matter the outcome. He has walked with us every step of the way so far and will always continue.

I hear Him keep telling me: Expect great things for me. Remember who I AM.

I love this song by Gungor. Or formally known as The Michael Gungor Band. His music has been a huge part of my life. He was the worship leader of the church I went to in high school on Friday nights. It has always had a impact on me and drawn me close to The Lord. This particular song speaks to me right now because I love the reminder of how God is making beautiful things out of us. That He is so great and mighty that He created the first man out of DUST. Seriously?! Have you thought about that? It just reminds me that He can do all things. He can heal Lyla, form her skull, put the pieces of her brain back together, perfectly.

Beautiful Things {Gungor}
All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth,
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground at all?

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

Remember Lazarius? John 1-44? Jesus raised him from the dead. Dead. Stinky dead.

Dry Bones {Gungor}These bones cry out
These dry bones cry for you
To live and move
'Cause only You can raise the dead
Can lift my head upMy soul cries out
My soul cries out for you

So we continue to wait, hope and expect great things from our God. He is good.

DIY: Upholstered Headboard

Back in February 2012 {yes, a year ago} or so, my husband was out of town with his family on their annual hunting trip. My sister-in-law knew we were looking for a kitchen table and happened to see some super clearance table tops for $20. Well of course, I asked him to stop in there on his way home.

As he was looking around, he stumbled upon a king headboard too. It was marked $20 but he talked them down to $5 because of some damage we would have to fix! Awesome find!

Well, like many projects it sat in our house/garage for 7 months before figuring out how we were going to put it to use. At first, we thought there was only a small gash that could be filled and restained or painted. But then we noticed one of the sleigh curves on the side was missing. It was going to be tougher then we thought to fix it and make look good.

A few weeks passed, I came up with the idea of creating a tuffed upholstered headboard. I did a little research and looked over pinterest.
Supply List:
Cost: $112*
*With sales and Joann's coupons

Do you know that there's a Joann's APP? If you don't have it, then GO get it! There are all the current coupons right there on your phone and they just scan your phone. How cool is that?! And did you know that they let you use multiple coupons at once?! Seriously get the app!

The How:
#1: Find an old, solid headboard that you aren't using or from goodwill or garage sale. Other sites used plywood. Reusing something is green. ;)


#2: mark and measured where you want your tuffs to be located.



#3: drill holes in board.


#4: cut your 2" foam to size and use spray adhesive to attach it to the board.


#5: use batting or an old sheet (the green alternative) to cover the foam and use a staple gun to attach to the back of the board.


#6: select your material to cover your headboard. I ended up using a set of two curtain panels I found at Home Goods. They were 84" in length and about 54" wide. If you decided to purchase fabric it would need to be at least 3-4 yards, depending on the size of your headboard. To have enough length on the sides, I had to have one seam and decided to put that right down the middle. Make sure you fabric is straight, especially of there is a design of any kind. Use staple gun to secure tightly. These will likely be temporary staples** and you will add more later. Use enough that fabric stays in place, 4 corners and center at least.




{tuffed top}

**I did not use temporary staples like I wrote in step 6 but it is something I learned that I should have done through my experience. If you want to staples all around, use as many staples as desired. I just ended up having to removed almost all my first staples once I did all the tuffing because there were wrinkles and the fabric needed to be pulled tighter.


#7: use a botton cover kit and make all your buttons. The instructions on back of the kind I picked were easy to follow.




#8: begin the tuffing process.



#9: pull material tight and finish stapling it securely to the back of the board.


#10: attach to bed frame.

Brother Sister Love

I love watching and hearing Cole and Claire play together. Their relationship has been blossoming over the last several months.

Claire is finally to the point where she plays with Cole instead of just around him. She loves her big brother. It is so cute how she looks up to him and does whatever he is doing. She dresses up in all his superhero costumes, plays sword fight, "hi-ya's" and all. Don't worry he plays babies with her too. :)


Cole loves to look out for Claire. He enjoys getting her up in the morning or from her naps. Their conversations are precious! I wish I could get them on tape somehow. Lately, when he gets her up, they end up playing in his room for awhile building forts with all their pillows and blankets.


Cole also helps set a good example for Claire. She definitely wants to do things her way but if she sees Cole do what we ask, she quickly follows.

Love these two! They are so fun!

Our First Visit

Last Tuesday {Jan. 29th}, we met our new doctor for the first time. The appointment went great and we left feeling at peace with her being our doctor. The Lord provided once again. I was nervous that day. Like I said before, I am not so great with change. So of course, I started comparing everything about the "look" of the office when we got there. It's older, less modern then the other. Does that make it any less better? No! Sometimes my mind is so silly about not so important details. The entire process of the appointment went well: checking in, the nurse, and the doctor. Everyone was sweet and kind. They did move alot slower then the other office. Not that is bad, just different. The doctor for sure moved slower, which is one of the best things about her! When she came in, she introduced herself and told me that she is here to support us and walk us through the rest of my pregnancy. She had received my chart earlier that day, so she didn't have many questions for us, but sat down in a chair and just talked to us and asked if we had any questions for her. That was a new experience. Brent and I always freeze when asked that question. We never know what to ask. But eventually we came up with something to ask her. Our other doctor was always saying things like "are you sure you want to put them through this?" Referring to our two other children. Our new doctor was the direct OPPOSITE. She was so encouraging about how loving and forgiving children are with babies. What a difference! We are beyond thankful to receive that piece of encouragement because that is a concern for us as parents with two other children. We want to protect them but we also want them to be apart of this journey. We were also told she was a believer from the peditrician who asked her to take me as a patient. There was not anything said in the appointment that directly confirmed that, but when we started talking about the birth, there was something she said that led me to believe that it was true. We discussed the possible outcomes of birth, which we knew but it was good to hear it from her and it was world's apart from our other experience. She simply and gently explained that babies with this diagnosis can be stillborn, live for a few moments, hours or days. "And sometimes they are perfectly fine!" That's exactly what she said! I feel like my heart jump when I heard that. I still know that may not be the outcome our Lord has for Lyla, but to hear her say that just made me know she believes alongside us that it's possible! And that is exactly what I had prayed for the week before. That we would find a doctor who would believe alongside us that God is able, no matter what her medical training tells her. She is very accommodating as well, such as letting me get my labs done closer to home. And we had questions about Lyla's appearance and she said for us to make an appointment for an ultrasound whenever we would like. They also have 4D in office and they fly a man in from Maryland to do ultrasounds. The appointment lady said "he's that good." So we get to see our sweet girl again on Monday {Feb. 11th}! Can't wait!

Update: New Doctor

Monday, January 21st {10am}, I wrote about our decision to change doctors. By the end of the SAME day, we had a new doctor! God is good!

The day before that post was Sunday. It was the first time I wrote in our Sunday School's prayer journal about this. I wrote that we were looking for a new doctor, that we need a clear open door. I was also talking to a friend in class and telling her that we basically need someone to know an ob, personally, and call on my behalf and for them to make an exception. Then during church, it was Prayer Request Sunday, where you fill out a white card and turn it in. Then that next Tuesday, all the pastors pray over EVERY card individually, during their staff meeting. It was my first time. I told them that I was looking for a new doctor, but specifically one who would believe along with us in God's ability to heal Lyla, no matter what their training and tests show them.

Monday night, I received an email from Brent's Aunt Mona. She has a friend who is a peditrician and shared our story with her. She is a believer and has been in a delivery with an anencephalic baby. And she knows an ob who is a believer too with experience in this area! The peditrician wanted me to call her that night, so I put my brave pants on and called her. I am not normally good at that sort of thing. She was SO encourgaing about our decision to carry Lyla and about this doctor she was recommending to us. She had actually already called her and told her about me! What?! Amazing! The ob said to call her office TOMORROW!! Wow!

Exactly what I said needed to happen, happened! Only God could have orchestrated such an event!

Our first appointment was scheduled for Tuesday, January 29th. Before I could have my first appointment, my records needed to be transferred, so I requested them on Wednesday {23rd}. I informed them about my appointment and how I needed them before then. I called on Monday to check and see if the new doctor's office had received them. No luck. I then called my old doctor and the medical records person is part time and said she didn't get the request until Friday {even though I saw her when I put in the request} and she was waiting for the doctor to sign off on them Monday or Tuesday. She doesn't work on Tuesdays. I reminded her again about my appointment.

On Tuesday morning {day of appointment}, I called the old doctor again. I asked if they would check on my files, if they had been sent, and that I knew the medical records person does not work that day, but my appointment was that day. This was at 9:30am. I explained what the status was to my bible study ladies and they were going to pray. One hour later, I receive a call from my old doctor's office saying they were sending them right then! God is SO good, all the time. Again, He came through for me and QUICKLY.

New Doctor

I feel The Lord has given me an answer about my doctor even before seeing her again last Thursday. Tuesday morning and throughout the rest of the day.

A couple months ago,I ran into my friend who recommended this doctor to me years ago. She spoke very highly of her at the time.

Before all this started, we happened to be at dewberry farms together (we don't see each often at all). She asked if I was still seeing my doctor and told me she wasn't because she didn't receive good care with her second baby. At that time, I brushed it off but once heard the news wondered if that was a warning I didn't recognize at the time.

Within minutes of writing my blog about my doctor, last week, she emailed me with more details about her experience and that she had heard from others the same thing. She felt because she didn't have a "normal" pregnancy she was no longer treated like she mattered. And also feels she might have been able to have more kids if she had switched.

That was the beginning of me knowing I should switch but I was still resistant. I don't like change this big. I am uncomfortable with it. And how am I suppose to find someone new that will support me?

Then on Tuesday {January 15th}, I went to a new study (for me), at Tallowood. My very first day. Several things were said that I felt like God was speaking directly to me. But the one thing that stuck out the most was when the teacher said that we get in our comfort zone but sometimes God is calling us out of that zone and to be uncomfortable and we will come out stronger for it. I know that applies in many ways but to me it was saying switch!

So I felt that was my answer most of the day, then I talked to my good friend Kara {PA} at our small group that night and she advised me,medically, to switch too.

So if all that wasn't enough...

Then as soon as I got home, I had a facebook email from an acquaintance my mom's church that's about my age. She told me she switched 4 times and all for different reasons and just encouraged me that I would know what is right for me and I would not regret my decision. And that God has this!

With all of these signs of confirmation, I cancelled my appointment last week. I just felt like I knew the right decision so clearly that I didn't want to go and start doubting myself again. It would be easy to just stay.

I got a list of doctors from some of my close friends and pastors, but so far have not found the doctor for me. They are either not taking new patients or their nurse has been rude about my situation and never calls back. Lots of closed doors.

I know God doesn't have any old doctor for me but the right one. One that will walk with me, support our decision and hopefully believe with us that know matter what tests show or their training tells them that our God is greater/stronger/healer. He is high above it all!

Will you pray with me that I will find a new doctor quickly so I don't have to go too long without medical care? That I will be bold and confident about the choice I make and I ask all the appropriate questions? That The Lord will continue to lead us through this process, as He so clearly has so far? That will be still and wait on Him to show us the way?

We so appreciate all the love, support and prayers!

To Stay or Not to Stay

Our follow-up appointment, with my doctor {December 21st}, did not go as I thought it would.

I have doubted if I should stay with my doctor since her initial recommendation. I kept going back and forth and still am. When I spoke with my doctor's nurse the week of December 21st, I decided maybe we would continue with her because The Source doctor we spoke to and her information lined up, but then when I actually saw my doctor, it no longer did.

The impression that I was given by her nurse is that it would be a consultation appointment to ask all our questions, now that we are calm and thinking clearly. It was not at all that way. She was running an hour late, rushed through all the normal checks and did not even ask if I had questions.

She basically was still encouraging us to chose abortion, at least that's how I took it. She asked if we were sure about moving forward with "this." If we had really thought about what this was going to do to our family. She said she would walk through this with us, if we chose to do so, but it surely did not feel that way.

Honestly, I left pretty angry. Was that my clear answer I had been asking for?

Over these last few weeks, I have been encouraged to see my doctor one more time after our specialist appointment. Maybe it was a bad day? Maybe I just need to be better about interrupting her and asking my questions, even if I am not asked first? I have been given great care by my doctor in the past with Cole and Claire. I am just hoping that does not change just because our baby has been given such a diagnosis. I want her to be given the same great treatment.

Our specialist appointment {January 7th} went very well. We were pleased with the care we were given. It was at the hospital with the Maternl Fetal Specialist from UTMB. The technician was very friendly and made sure we were okay throughout the ultrasound. Then the OB specialist came in to talk with us. It's like going to the dentist. The tech did all the work and the doctor just confirmed what she did {and what our doctor told us}.

We were then moved across the hall to speak with someone else. I think she was a genetic counselor, but honestly, I don't know her title. She was very kind and told us this part could be as long or short as we wanted it to be. We were able to ask a ton of our questions and she gave us information that maybe we had not thought of yet. She also told us I was welcome to come back every six weeks if I would like and would tell our doctor so.

Most importantly, she was another person who encouraged me about my doctor. She said it was important that we had good communication. That my doctor would tell me what she could do, but I also needed to be open with her about what I needed as well. If it's seeing me more often, then tell her that. But it's a two way street and it is very important throughout this process.

My next appointment with my doctor is Thursday {January 17th}. Will you pray with me that my answer will finally be clear about whether I should stay or change doctors? Will you pray that I am bold and ask all my questions? That I am honest about where we are coming from and what I need from her? Our desire is to receive the same great medical care as I received with my other two children or BETTER! I know she told us that our baby will not live BUT she does not have the final say. Only OUR GOD knows.

Our Plan Interrupted

On December 10th (exactly one month ago today and two weeks exactly before Christmas Eve), we were unexpectedly called into our doctor.

On that Monday, my doctor's office called me with the results of my 16 week blood work screen and they were concerned with some of the numbers, so they asked if I could come in right away. I was already in the car about to leave our neighborhood so I said, "yes, I could come right now."

Brent was able to meet me and the kids at the doctor and we waited for our turn. They were concerned about the baby having spina bifida, so an ultrasound was done. The technician got a great look at the spine and as far as she could tell all look great. So she continued the scan looking at the heart, legs, everything. She was very positive through the whole thing and talked to us the entire time.

But then she got to the eyes and I asked what it was she was looking at and she was quiet and then left. I wasn't sure if we were done. It didn't seem all that strange at the time but looking back it was very abrupt.

We were then moved to another room for the doctor to go over everything with us. When she first starting talking to us, I thought she was kidding. Unfortunately, that was not the case.

She basically told us that our baby did not develop a brain {anencephaly} and is not compatible with life. Our baby is alive. We saw the baby's heart beat and the tech said the rate was perfect. When we asked what did she mean and what does this mean, she said that now she recommends sending me downtown to abort. That this baby will not live.

What we know is that it is not up to us to decide when this baby's life will end. We do not plan to follow her recommendation but to carry this baby as long as The Lord choses for me to. We also know that we wanted a second look at our baby, which happened on Saturday, December 15th {17 weeks}, at The Source for Women {pregnancy medical clinic/crisis pregnancy}. And that our God is the great healer and he is able to heal our baby IF He so chooses. We also know that may not be His decision either.

When we first received our news, my first thought was we are not aborting this baby and the second thought was Cynthia at The Source. I cannot put into words how thankful I am to have known about their ministry. I knew I wanted a second look at our baby and more information, especially after getting such a recommendation from our doctor. I did ask my doctor for another ultrasound but they did not recommend me doing that. They said the pictures they had showed everything. That was not good enough. I knew what I needed. Humans make mistakes.

So I emailed Cynthia at The Source. She said, "YES, we would LOVE to see you!" She happened to be there the morning of our appointment and we were able to fill her in on everything our doctor said to us. She then talked to their technician and explained that we weren't their "typical" client and why we were there. For information. She asked her to walk us through the entire scan, tell us what she was looking at and to reveal the gender as well {not typically done}.

They were a great help and source of information. It is not typical protocal for them to reveal sex of the baby, but our doctor did not reveal that to us or perform another ultrasound, so they did that for us and revealed we are having another little GIRL, Lyla Hope. And again her heart rate was perfect.

After our scan was complete, their on-call doctor was gracious enough to do a conference call with us. Twenty minutes of us just asking questions and him explaining to us about what all this means for our baby. And most importantly, we were covered in prayer throughout our visit. We are more then grateful for the knowledge The Source provided for us that day.

I am beyond thankful for being on Tallowood's missions committee at the time they wanted to start partnering with this type of ministry and for me to be assigned to find that ministry. I definitely did not know 3 years ago I would be one of the women they would serve. God knew.

Right now, we are enjoying each moment we have with our Lyla Hope. Our HOPE rests in the Lord and we know He has purpose, He cares for us, and most of all He loves us. He is our peace. He is our strength.

We know that this is not good, that it is sad and we are grieving, BUT our GOD is GOOD no matter the circumstance.

He will see us through this.

Updates to come...

Our Newest Little One

On Friday, September 14th, we found out we were expecting our THIRD baby! We were beyond thrilled. Cole was actually in our room, right after taking the test, so we told him right away. But then quickly remembered we were headed to a family party in just a few hours. We decided to not mention it anymore and maybe he would forget. He's four, right?

Well, that didn't happen and he ended up telling my dad that I had a baby in my tummy. Ha! A little earlier then we planned to start telling our family, but it certainly was funny. So we, of course, called/texted and shared the news with Brent's parents that night as well. We quickly shared with our small group as well by having Cole and Claire wear BIG sibling t-shirts and just waited for everyone to pay attention and read them. Surprisingly, it took them a minute to connect!

For whatever reason, sharing the the news with everyone else did not come easy like it did with my other two pregnancies. I didn't know why. Maybe it was the third child thing or maybe something else. I expressed to a friend one day that I had an unsettling feeling about this pregnancy. It was early, maybe 6 or 7 weeks into it. She prayed with me. I don't remember specifics, but I definitely felt at peace after that. And started to experience all my normal symptoms.

This pregnancy began to be identical to when I carried Claire. Terribly sick. Life shuts down. No cleaning. No cooking. No grocery shopping. I basically was on volunteer bed rest because to even shower was too much. I would be done for the rest of the day. I needed to conserve energy for my other two kids. With all of that, my hunch was that we were expecting another girl. I could have been totally wrong, but I would have been surprised.

I was taking two different morning sickness medicines during this time to just basically hold food down, but it was not making me have energy. Finally, at about 13 weeks, my energy returned, but I had to keep on the medicines REGULARLY until about 16.5 weeks, right before Christmas. I was totally thankful to be feeling mostly back to normal by then with all our travelling and all the fun we had planned.

The doctors visits up to this point were all normal for me, several early ultrasounds, bloodwork, etc. At 16 weeks, I went in for the tri-screen bloodwork and then scheduled our BIG reveal ultrasound for December 21st! Just in time for Christmas! I was more then excited. I surely thought it was going to be January before we could find out what we were having, so to find out before Christmas, the reveal had to be awesome. I had this whole exciting planned to reveal to Cole and Claire (and families) through the baby's stocking, filled with the correct gender related items. So cute. We like to do a little something different with each baby to make each experience unique and special.

I always have lots of plans, but sometimes my plans aren't always God's plans...

Claire's TWO!

On November 4th, Claire turned two! The last couple of months she has become so active and talkative. Her little personality is becoming really funny and sassy at times. She darts her little eyes at you when she knows she shouldn't do something. She's got a mind of her own that's for sure.

She loves to do whatever her big brother Cole is doing and just laughs at him. Their relationship has just blossomed and they are so sweet together. Cole always is asking to get her up in the morning or from her nap. He loves having a little playmate. They wrestle and hug and chase.

She talks a lot but it is not all that understandable yet most of the time. It's getting better everyday.

She likes to play hide and seek and counting. She's got seven and nine down. Over and over again. So funny.

She moved into her toddler bed a couple months ago and after Christmas she will begin sleeping in the twin bed in her room before moving in with Cole. The transition was seamless. Never once got out still to this day. She is so easy to put to bed. She just crawls into bed, lays face down, we put a blanket on her and never hear a peep. Still taking one 4 hour nap or two shorter ones depending on our schedule.

Looking forward to see what's next for her. She's changing everyday.