During this journey, our other two children have been a concern. Cole will be five in July and Claire just turned 2.5 years this May. Claire is about Cole's age when she was born and he understood there was a baby coming pretty well by the time she was born, but of course, it didn't really sink in until she was here, in our home, all the time.
But for Cole, he is almost five and he has been very involved throughout my entire pregnancy. He knows what having another baby and sibling means. He is more then thrilled. So since we heard the news about Lyla, we have wondered when to explain what {may} happen, how much to say, etc. We do not want to terrify him or allow him to worry for months. How much could his mind handle at this point? This is probably where we have struggled the most. All we knew is we would tell him definitely before she is born, but how much before?
We know the time to prepare for us has been a blessing. We are still with all our hearts asking and believing in our God to perform an incredible miracle, but to know in advance what {may} lie ahead, we are grateful.
Our preschool minister at church gave me some materials on death to look over and how to explain it to young children. I also did a little more research as well. I learned that children are very concrete/literal thinkers and we had to use words such as died or dead, instead of passed away or deep sleep. They would not understand that completely or be scared to go to sleep at night.
These last few months, I have asked for prayer for this moment. That God would go before us and prepare Cole for this moment and to speak through us as we explain this to him. Let it not be our words but His.
Ways we have seen Cole prepared:
- He has experienced death before. He has been to at least 3 funerals/memorial services in his young life. The most recent was for my Great Uncle, who lived in Spring, that we spent a good amount of time with him. Cole loved him and still asks me about him and what happened to him. It has given me the opportunity to explain what happened and put words in his growing vocabulary that may not have been there otherwise.
- Once I started asking for prayer on this, Cole brought up the appointment where we first heard about Lyla and asked why I was crying. He hadn't mentioned it since that day, so I knew the time was approaching to talk to him.
- Healing. That is a word we use often in our house. Cole is accident prone to say the least. The kid always has scrapes and bruises. And he always points out when they are getting better and I tell him that they are healing. He also requests that I pray that God will heal him when he gets hurt. I love that he is beginning to know about our Great Healer!
Words in Cole's Vocabulary:
- broken
- heal(ed)
- death, died
- God
- prayer
- Jesus
I am thankful those are not new words to Cole, because they were all used in our talk with him last Wednesday night {May 8th}. It was more then helpful to not have to explain those words and we definitely saw the results of him not being scared because they were familiar to him.
We decided to speak to Cole alone, without Claire and no other distractions. He is like me and distracted easily. We sat face to face and told him we had something to share about his sister, Lyla. I reminded him of the doctor's appointment where he saw me crying and asked if he remembered. He did but not why. I explained that the doctor told us that Lyla did not develop and form completely and that she was missing pieces of her head. Then, I went on to explain that if she did not have all those pieces that she would not be able to come home with us and watch her grow up like we do with Claire. She would always be his sister but not in the same way.
I asked if he understood. I could tell not completely. So the very literal words began. I had to tell him that what the doctors have told us is that Lyla would die because all the pieces to her head were not there.
Moments of silence. We could see his face drop a bit. It was sinking in.
We just waited a bit, as he had his face planted in our bed.
He finally sat back up after a few tears.
Then the large BUT...
I asked him if he remembered how we talk about how big, strong and mighty our God is? He smiled, his face lit up and nodded yes! He knows.
I told him what the doctors have said is correct
BUT our God is the greatest doctor there is and He alone can put the pieces of Lyla's head back together again, if He choses, so we can bring her home and watch her grow. He is our Great Healer.
We didn't want to give him false hope. We know that {may} not be what God choses for Lyla. So then we explained, just as we, as his parents, have to tell him "no" to things sometimes like having candy or going somewhere, that God sometimes tells us "no" too. But it is important and more then okay to always ask God for what you want!
We reminded him that no matter what happens that God is always good and always loves us. More then anything. He cares for us.
At this point, we were good. He understood and we could tell he was okay with the news. I asked if he would like to pray for Lyla, but he was not ready, so we laid hands on her and I prayed and she kicked like crazy!
Later that night, when Brent was putting Cole to sleep, he was ready to pray. His prayer for Lyla:
"Dear God, Thank you for Lyla and please put the pieces together to her head and body. Amen."
Thanking God for the many ways He prepared us and Cole for this moment, many more then I even know at this point, and for wrapping His loving arms around our son and giving him comfort only our God could provide.
