In Days of Darkness

Last week, I experiencd a couple of very dark days. It came on quick. And thankfully, it did not last long, because they were definitely rough.

In the beginning of our journey, I was encouraged NOT to do any reading on the internet about Lyla's condition. But being completely unfamiliar, I wanted to know what the doctors were saying about it. I wanted to understand.

I quickly understood that was good advice NOT to read about it and just focus on Jesus. I know it sounds like the perfect Sunday School answer, but it could not be more true.

It was what I HAD to do. The reading kept my focus in a place that was very black and white. It is what it is sort of thing. It was saying I was supposed to just accept it and nothing could change it.

But I know in my head that isn't true.

I stayed off all those web sites for several months, but then last week, I started wondering about a few things and started reading again. I took my eyes off Jesus.

That's where the darkness began to creep in again. I began to doubt {hesitate to believe, distrust, fear}. I must continue to believe in the healing power of God. He is ABLE to do all things, create all things, even those that are said to be broken. {Mark 11:22-24}

 

The days that followed were not good. For me, for anyone. All I wanted to do was sleep. I hurt all over. I was short with my family. I wanted to do absolutely nothing. And pretty much did just that.

 

I am thankful that the Lord is teaching me to recognize these moments and how to see Him again clearly. I am thankful for His Word and music that is filled with it to draw me back to Him. I am thankful that He is there for me, comforts me, and protects my heart.

 

The enemy is here to kill, steal and destory {John 10:10}. He would love to see me stay in the darkness: doubting God, full of despair {be without hope} and depressed {full of sadness and gloom}.

 

But I must always remember what is true about my God. He is good. He is with me. He goes before me. He will not leave me. He loves me. {Deuteronomy 31:8}

 

I must refocus on Jesus and cling to His promises. That is the only way to get through this storm we are facing. It is too difficult alone. But thankfully, I am not alone. EVER.

 

 

{Feet Wet by Stephan Speaks}
standing at the water's edge, i feel a trembling fear
as the waves crash 'round my ankles feel the thunder in my ear
i see the change is coming, the wind is at my back
but doubt overtakes me and my eyes turn to black
my past lurks behind me, keeping me on guard
i don't want to chance it, these steps are just too hard
i know He's behind me but what can i do
i'm frail, i'm human, and i don't want to fail you
{ i can't walk on water with these dirty feet
but He can walk on water and He'll carry me}
so put your arms around me carry me to sea
waves knock against me but i know I'm free
from death and loneliness, darkness, despair
this life is choppy but i don't care

Desert Song - Hillsong

Boldness Received

Psalm 136:1
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever.
        I cannot be more thankful for all the prayers for me yesterday. My doctor's appointment went so well and I know it was because of your prayers and that God was with me. I had a friend offer to go with me too and she watched Claire so I could stay focused and it was just good knowing there was someone standing with me at the office.

        I was taken back to the exam room very quickly but then had to wait. I was nervous. My doctor finally arrived and the first thing she asked was about my Easter and how it can be difficult to keep the focus on Jesus when there is so much out there about the bunny. I was told she was a believer too but had never asked her directly. I was so thankful our discussion started off this way. It boosted my confidence level.

It finally came time for me to step up and say I had questions. I started explaining my concerns about a breech delivery and the baby not being monitored. She listened well, but I could tell by her facial expressions she was concerned about me. I think she thought I was a little looney or dillusional.

        I don't remember all that was said exactly, but it took her awhile to understand me about wanting to be treated like all was well with Lyla. Based on the scans and tests, she said it would take a miracle. EXACTLY. I know that. I tried to reassure her that's what I meant. I know told her I understand what we have been told and seen for ourselves, but we are still praying and hoping that God will heal her completely on this earth. I feel confident we got there together and are on the same page.

        She explained a breech delivery further to me and why it is not typically done anymore. It has more to do with legal issues/misconceptions then the ability for it to be good option. She also explained the risks of a c-section to me as well. I definitely told her that was not my preference but also why I was thinking I would do it if necessary.

        After discussing it further, we will likely not go the c-section route unless the baby is sideways. That's the only way she can't deliver a baby. The reason being is because she doesn't want to put me at unnecessary risk because of my other children, my body has proven twice before to be able to deliver without the need of a c-section, and she does not know how I would react to the meds needed for a c-section and if Lyla were not healed, then she would not want me to miss out of valuable time with her when recovering from the drugs used.

       She also said we can do another ultrasound at 37 weeks and also one when I am in LABOR! So amazing.

       She also told me that if God was going to heal her even last minute that she didn't believe He would cause me to have a difficult labor needing a c-section or put the baby at further risk.

      I definitely feel at peace with our discussion. I also know this discussion would not have happened the way it did without your prayers and God speaking for me, because I did feel myself wanting to shut down and just say okay and leave, but I didn't. I just kept pushing.

More than grateful!

Here's how you can pray now:

• That Lyla would not be breech. She still has room to flip around. I don't know what position she is in right now.
• That the need for a c-section would not be necessary.
• That no matter the outcome that I would be fully alert and enjoy my time with her after delivery and with my family.
• Wisdom and discernment on whether we should tell Cole and Claire what is going on before the birth or not.

Praying for Boldness

Philippians 4:4-8

 ⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Would you pray with me that I would have the boldness I need to express what I want to my doctor regarding labor and delivery?

Here's the deal. I clam up when speaking with any doctor. When I am asked if I have questions, I usually say no or can't come up with any (at the time). When I leave, they all come rushing to mind. Anyone else like that?

I know what we have seen and been told my several doctors and technicians. I know. But I also still know, that God is working and can change His mind about what He has in store for this baby and her life. So with that, I need to explain to my doctor that I want this pregnancy to be carried out like any other normal pregnancy. I do get that it's really not normal, but everything to this point, as far as carrying this pregnancy, has been, so I don't want the delivery process to be different either, if possible.

When we saw the Maternal Fetal Specialists, we were told that Lyla would probably not be monitored like other babies. The basic reason for that was if she became in distress, they wouldn't want to put me through a c-section to help her since they say she can't be saved. Basically, I become number one priority. In their mind, there would only be one patient to care for instead of two. That didn't sit well with me.

I want Lyla to be monitored like any baby would be. If she is in distress, I want them to help her.

Do I want a c section? No, not really. It's not my preference.
Would I do it if necessary for any of my children who were experiencing distress? Yes!

At my last doctor's appointment, my doctor asked if I had any questions. Of course, I really didn't. I have done this before. But then, I came up with one. Would I have another ultrasound before birth to find out if she is breech? She said no. It wasn't necessary. She said I could deliver that way (breech). What?! I followed up slightly. I asked her what she meant and that I had NEVER heard of that before. She basically said in this situation it didn't matter. Again, what?! I just sat there thinking about that. Then left.

Okay, it does matter to me. So again, that didn't sit well. All that has been going through my head since I left that day has been, "What if she's healed?"

I want all the doctors and nurses to make medical decisions for the delivery as if Lyla were a perfectly healthy baby.

I need to be like the Canaanite woman in Matthew 15 who was persistent and bold and didn't give up on her daughter.

Will you pray that for me? My appointment is tomorrow morning, Tuesday at 10:30am. That I would have the boldness and courage to speak freely with my doctor about my delivery.

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Here is a little something I took away from last week's Bible Study:

If you are looking for the verse in the bible where we are promised an easy road/path/life, then you'll looking for a long time. It's not there. We were never promised easy or painless, but we were promised Jesus would walk with us. He goes before us and stands behind us.

And a few of my recent favorite songs. I love music. Could you tell?

The Hurt and The Healer {Mercy Me}
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

One Thing Remains {Jesus Culture}
Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains

Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me x3

On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains

In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love

Whom Shall I Fear {Chris Tomlin}
I know Who goes before me
I know Who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The One who reigns forever
He is a Friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side