Merry Christmas 2013!!

Merry Christmas from our family to yours! 

                Love, The Palermos

                       {7 Months}

   Butterfly cookies in honor of our sister.

Meeting Their Sister

Back when we heard the news about sweet Lyla, one of the first reasons to terminate her life, from our previous doctor, was "did we really want to put our other kids through that?"

 

That doctor kept telling us she would support our decision, but that question kept coming up. Like we hadn't considered Cole and Claire at all. Seriously? We do not want to ever purposefully hurt them in any way. We will? Yes, I sure. But on purpose? I surely hope not.

 

As you know, we switched doctors. One of the first questions we ask the new doctor was what she thought about our other kids. How do you think they will respond? Do you think this will hurt them? Scare them? What is this going to be like for us and for them?

 

Do you know what she said? "Children are so loving and forgiving. They just love babies and want to cuddle them. They likely will not even notice."

 

Can I say what a relief it was to hear those words come out of her mouth?!

 

She couldn't have said it better because...

 

Cole and Claire LOVED meeting their little sister! Their response to her is a complete blessing and answer to lots of prayer. The goodness of our God was clearly guiding these sweet moments that we will forever treasure.

 

They kept going on and on about how cute she was. Claire kept sticking her finger in Lyla's mouth pretending she was biting her and then would giggle. Cole was super protective of Lyla and did not want Claire to be too rough with her.

 

We do not at all regret our decisions to include them in meeting their sister. They were there for it all. The pregnancy (when she was living with us). Her birthday. Her memorial.

 

They are young and do not fully understand it all, but having the pictures and videos will help them to once they get older. They have a little sister, who rests in Heaven, waiting to be reunited with them once again. We want them to know about her. We love to talk about her. And we get to see where she rests here on earth almost everyday, as we drive by on the freeway. It brings joy to me to hear their sweet voices, from the backseat, saying, "Hi, Lyla! We love you, Lyla!"

 

 

A Song for Lyla Hope

Our dear friends, Dave and Jess Ray, were incredibly sweet and strong, as we asked them to lead us in worship for Lyla's Memorial Service. I knew from the beginning if we got to this point that they would be the one's I would love to ask for the music. They are wonderful worship leaders and work hard to engage everyone in singing praises to our KING and enter a place of personal worship with our Lord.
Brent and I went over to their house on Sunday night to discuss what our vision was for Lyla's service. We were able to bounce ideas off of each and find Scriptures to be read with each song. I knew I wanted mostly worship time. I love musc. It has always been a powerful tool to draw me closer to God. I love when I find the scriptures that apply to the songs I hold close to my heart.
We basically had the entire service planned in about two hours. Everything. These friends are so dear to us and helped us greatly in planning the most perfect, God honoring service for Our Angel Girl.
Then Dave said something like this:
           I wrote something this afternoon and I wanted to share it with you. If you like it
           I want to play it at the service. But if you don't think it applies then tell me.
           I won't be offended.
He played this beautifully written song. Did I mention he wrote it that afternoon? He didn't even have a name for it yet.
It was beyond perfect and I finally caught on that he wrote it for Lyla Hope.
What a wonderful and amazing gift!
Thank you Dave and Jess Ray for your friendship and leading us in worship as we celebrated Lyla Hope's sweet life. It was a wonderful day of closure for us during this difficult season.

Hope by Dave Ray

Verse 1:
Upon a bended knee / You found me
Holding on to hope
Chaos was all around / And I fell down
Beneath my heavy load
Oh Jesus, are you listening
God this isn't fair
I'm grasping at the empty air

Chorus:
So hold me through the hurting, Jesus
Walk me through the fire, Savior
When everything is lost and broken
I'll be holding on to hope

Verse 2:
Give me the air to breathe / Don't leave me
I don't know where I'd go
Lord, help my heart believe / That You love me
So much deeper than I know
'Cause everything You've promised
Every word will stand
When all around is sinking sand

Chorus:
So hold me through the hurting, Jesus
Walk me through the fire, Savior
When everything is lost and broken
I'll be holding on

Bridge:
'Cause our hope, our hope is secure
Such a fragile thing, but still it will endure
And our hope calls us to the light
Where one day every hope will be made sight
But for now we walk as strangers in the night

Chorus:
So hold me through the hurting, Jesus
Walk me through the fire, Savior
When everything is lost and broken
I'll be holding on
I'm just holding on to hope

Lyla Hope's Birthday

Lamentations 3:22-23

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.

The day was filled with a mix of emotions. But there was also the great peace of our God that filled the room and surrounded us completely.

So many of our family, friends and church family came to visit with us, pray with us and meet our sweet girl. Many were there the entire day. How greatly we were loved during this journey. How deeply the Father's love is for us, you, His children.

My labor was easy just as it was with my other children. The only difference was the hospital. I was anxious about the change because as I have said before it simply is something I am not comfortable with. But God's Word says not to be anxious {Philippians 4:6} and I need to listen. The change in hospitals was awesome! Such a great experience. It was a much smaller place, far less crowded, so we were given incredible care and support throughout the day. There was plenty of room in the waiting area for all our supporters.

It was an upbeat labor. We talked. We laughed. The second "drug" doctor that came even looked, sounded and was super funny just our cousin Jordan. And I told him so. He thought that was funny.

I am thankful for the nurses that took such great care of me during the day (Jana, Donna, and Kristin). They truly cared for me and supported our decision and loved our sweet daughter too.

My doctor was incredibly sweet throughout this journey as well. She took me in when no one else wanted me or to "deal with this." She showed us great care and love and I am ever grateful. God chose her to walk with us. I know this now. Change is difficult, but I know without a doubt it was the way God was calling me to go. I am thankful I listened and was obedient in that decision. No regrets.

Lyla showed us her personality as I labored. She hated being bothered with the heart monitor. Every time my nurse, Jana, would try to find her and push the monitor down with any pressure, Lyla would kick and move like a mad woman. Every time. So funny. Finally, Jana would just lay it on my belly and wait. Lyla would calm down and let her put it on. Jana said, "I'm learning. She's stubborn and funny." I said, "Just like her big sister. Doesn't do anything until she's ready."

Psalm 139:16

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

Lyla Hope danced all day as I labored. Very active little girl. I was able to listen to her precious heartbeat throughout the day. She finally made her entranced into the world at 4:30pm, weighing 6lbs, 4oz and 19 inches long.

She went to be with Jesus just three minutes later. 

Would I have loved more time with her? Yes.

Do I selfishly want her back? Yes.

But she never cried. She never felt pain. For that I am grateful.

Honestly, when she was laid in my arms, there was a moment of disappointment. I just wanted her to be healed on this earth so badly. I believed. But deep down, months before, I felt The Lord telling me that wasn't His plan for her. I don't think I ever told anyone that. I just wanted to keep praying for her complete earthly healing and believe. Maybe He would change His mind.

She is healed. She is whole again.

Psalm 118:24

This is the day the Lord has made;
We will rejoice and be glad in it.

So quickly the moment of disappointment was over. I HAD to switch gears. This is the time we were given with our sweet girl and I was going to enjoy it. I could cry later.

It may sound strange, but these were wonderful moments. I loved holding my daughter, giving her a bath, and seeing others love on her too. I will never regret having that opportunity. EVER.

My sister was there to capture the day for us and took so many amazing pictures for us of our sweet angel girl and our new family of five.

The entire staff was gracious to us. There was even a nurse who created this for us:

How special and sweet for her to do this for us! A treasure we will keep and cherish.

Our God is stronger. He gives us strength.
Our God is healer. He will/is healing our hearts. He has healed our daughter, as promised.

Please continue to pray for us. We are doing well and resting is His promises, but there are still very difficult moments at times. This is not over for us. Healing will take time. Pray that Brent and I will stay connected and not grow distant as we heal, but be drawn closer than ever. Pray that as our children grow that they will really comprehend the Father's deep love for them and their sister, that they never forget her. That they will chose to follow after Him all the days of their lives.

Click here to view these pictures larger

This Friday {May 24th}

Today, my doctor returned from her vacation and I went in to see her for the first time in almost three weeks. I am so glad she is back. I was pretty confident I would not have this baby without her because God clearly placed me with her for a reason.

This Friday {May 24th} at 5am, we will go to the hospital and be induced to meet Lyla Hope. Unless she decides to come before, of course. Based on previous labors, we should be meeting our sweet girl by early afternoon.

I am thankful to have a plan. I prayed last week (and many other times) that we would have a plan and it would be low-stress. I even asked the Lord (not my doctor) for May 24th, because Cole would be finished with school by then and I would not be too overdue. I have also asked and still asking for the same labor experience with Lyla as I had with Cole and Claire (they were basically identical). And for the same result, a healthy, thriving baby to take home and watch grow up.

Ways to Pray:

• Lyla would stay put until Friday.
• We would have quality family time this week.
• For COMPLETE healing for Lyla. That the Lord would do a great miracle in her life and put every piece of her head together as it should be to live and thrive.
• For Cole and Claire, as this week and weeks to follow will be busy and lots of transition. That they will find rest, have endurance, and be flexible.
• For us all to be prepared for Friday and Lyla's arrival. That we will find our strength, comfort, and peace in Jesus. That we would rest in Him and be still and know He is God.

Thank you all for walking with us on this journey. We have needed and felt your prayers and support along the way. We will post updates as we have them on Friday.

Foundation {Gungor/Believer's Church}

You are my foundation
Though the storms in life may come
You are my salvation
When I'm in need
You are my foundation
Though the storms in life may come
You'll stay with me

You'll stay close by my side
Through the wind and rain
Through laughter and pain
You'll be there for me

You'll stay close by my side
When I feel alone
Left without a home
You'll be there for me

**one of the songs off my playlist you can't download

{The Word} Through Song

I love music. It's playing in my house pretty much all the time. I particularly love music that is filled with God's promises, reminders of His character, and the great things He has done and still CAN do. It helps keep my heart and mind focused where it should be.

I wanted to share what's been playing in my home the last several months under the playlist called "Lyla Hope." Some of these songs have been favorites since I was in high school and are local Tulsa bands/churches that cannot be found on iTunes and some have been more recently added because they spoke to me through this journey.

If you don't have them in your current playlist or haven't heard them before, I encourage you to check them out. I pray they bring you as much hope as they bring me.


{Gungor}
Beautiful Things
Dry Bones
Please Be My Strength
You Have Me

{Shadowalk}*
Here
Treasure

{Michael Gungor/Believers Church}*
Healer of the Blind
Foundation
Rush
Selah

{Dave & Jess Ray}
Restore Me
Face of God

{Hillsong}
You Are My Strength
The Greatness of Our God (live)
You'll Come (live)
From the Inside Out
For Who You Are
Lead Me to the Cross
Mighty to Save
Hosanna
Desert Song (live)

{Kari Jobe}
Healer
Steady My Heart

{Chris Tomlin}
Our God
Unfailing Love
Your Grace is Enough
Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies)

{Mercy Me}
You Are I Am
The Hurt & The Healer
Bring The Rain

{David Crowder Band}
Come and Listen
Wholly Yours
Come Thou Fount

{Darrell Evans}*
Jesus, I Come Follow
Anywhere With You
Just As I Am

Wonderful Maker {Jeremy Camp}

Your Love Never Fails {Newsboys}

Healing Is In Your Hands {Christy Nockels}

In Christ Alone (My Hope is Found) {Adrienne Liesching And Geoff Moore}

Sing to the King {Candi Pearson}

Be Thou My Vision {Jars of Clay}

I Will Overcome {Charlie Hall}

No Matter What {Kerrie Roberts}

One Thing Remains {Passion}

Every Good Thing {The Afters}

Not for a Moment {Vertical Church Band}

How Deep the Father's Love for Us {Stuart Townend}

Christ is Risen {Matt Maher}

10,000 Reason (Bless the Lord) {Matt Redman}

What a Savior {Laura Story}

Song of Hope (Heaven Come Down) {Robbie Seay Band}

Feet Wet {Stephen Speaks}*

*Not Available on iTunes
If you are interested in the lyrics from the songs that are not available on iTunes, then let me know and I will post them.

Sharing the News with Cole

During this journey, our other two children have been a concern. Cole will be five in July and Claire just turned 2.5 years this May. Claire is about Cole's age when she was born and he understood there was a baby coming pretty well by the time she was born, but of course, it didn't really sink in until she was here, in our home, all the time.

But for Cole, he is almost five and he has been very involved throughout my entire pregnancy. He knows what having another baby and sibling means. He is more then thrilled. So since we heard the news about Lyla, we have wondered when to explain what {may} happen, how much to say, etc. We do not want to terrify him or allow him to worry for months. How much could his mind handle at this point? This is probably where we have struggled the most. All we knew is we would tell him definitely before she is born, but how much before?

We know the time to prepare for us has been a blessing. We are still with all our hearts asking and believing in our God to perform an incredible miracle, but to know in advance what {may} lie ahead, we are grateful.

Our preschool minister at church gave me some materials on death to look over and how to explain it to young children. I also did a little more research as well. I learned that children are very concrete/literal thinkers and we had to use words such as died or dead, instead of passed away or deep sleep. They would not understand that completely or be scared to go to sleep at night.

These last few months, I have asked for prayer for this moment. That God would go before us and prepare Cole for this moment and to speak through us as we explain this to him. Let it not be our words but His.

Ways we have seen Cole prepared:

• He has experienced death before. He has been to at least 3 funerals/memorial services in his young life. The most recent was for my Great Uncle, who lived in Spring, that we spent a good amount of time with him. Cole loved him and still asks me about him and what happened to him. It has given me the opportunity to explain what happened and put words in his growing vocabulary that may not have been there otherwise.
• Once I started asking for prayer on this, Cole brought up the appointment where we first heard about Lyla and asked why I was crying. He hadn't mentioned it since that day, so I knew the time was approaching to talk to him.
• Healing. That is a word we use often in our house. Cole is accident prone to say the least. The kid always has scrapes and bruises. And he always points out when they are getting better and I tell him that they are healing. He also requests that I pray that God will heal him when he gets hurt. I love that he is beginning to know about our Great Healer!

Words in Cole's Vocabulary:

• broken
• heal(ed)
• death, died
• God
• prayer
• Jesus

I am thankful those are not new words to Cole, because they were all used in our talk with him last Wednesday night {May 8th}. It was more then helpful to not have to explain those words and we definitely saw the results of him not being scared because they were familiar to him.

We decided to speak to Cole alone, without Claire and no other distractions. He is like me and distracted easily. We sat face to face and told him we had something to share about his sister, Lyla. I reminded him of the doctor's appointment where he saw me crying and asked if he remembered. He did but not why. I explained that the doctor told us that Lyla did not develop and form completely and that she was missing pieces of her head. Then, I went on to explain that if she did not have all those pieces that she would not be able to come home with us and watch her grow up like we do with Claire. She would always be his sister but not in the same way.

I asked if he understood. I could tell not completely. So the very literal words began. I had to tell him that what the doctors have told us is that Lyla would die because all the pieces to her head were not there.

Moments of silence. We could see his face drop a bit. It was sinking in.

We just waited a bit, as he had his face planted in our bed.

He finally sat back up after a few tears.

Then the large BUT...

I asked him if he remembered how we talk about how big, strong and mighty our God is? He smiled, his face lit up and nodded yes! He knows.

I told him what the doctors have said is correct BUT our God is the greatest doctor there is and He alone can put the pieces of Lyla's head back together again, if He choses, so we can bring her home and watch her grow. He is our Great Healer.

We didn't want to give him false hope. We know that {may} not be what God choses for Lyla. So then we explained, just as we, as his parents, have to tell him "no" to things sometimes like having candy or going somewhere, that God sometimes tells us "no" too. But it is important and more then okay to always ask God for what you want!

We reminded him that no matter what happens that God is always good and always loves us. More then anything. He cares for us.

At this point, we were good. He understood and we could tell he was okay with the news. I asked if he would like to pray for Lyla, but he was not ready, so we laid hands on her and I prayed and she kicked like crazy!

Later that night, when Brent was putting Cole to sleep, he was ready to pray. His prayer for Lyla:
"Dear God, Thank you for Lyla and please put the pieces together to her head and body. Amen."

Thanking God for the many ways He prepared us and Cole for this moment, many more then I even know at this point, and for wrapping His loving arms around our son and giving him comfort only our God could provide.

In Days of Darkness

Last week, I experiencd a couple of very dark days. It came on quick. And thankfully, it did not last long, because they were definitely rough.

In the beginning of our journey, I was encouraged NOT to do any reading on the internet about Lyla's condition. But being completely unfamiliar, I wanted to know what the doctors were saying about it. I wanted to understand.

I quickly understood that was good advice NOT to read about it and just focus on Jesus. I know it sounds like the perfect Sunday School answer, but it could not be more true.

It was what I HAD to do. The reading kept my focus in a place that was very black and white. It is what it is sort of thing. It was saying I was supposed to just accept it and nothing could change it.

But I know in my head that isn't true.

I stayed off all those web sites for several months, but then last week, I started wondering about a few things and started reading again. I took my eyes off Jesus.

That's where the darkness began to creep in again. I began to doubt {hesitate to believe, distrust, fear}. I must continue to believe in the healing power of God. He is ABLE to do all things, create all things, even those that are said to be broken. {Mark 11:22-24}

 

The days that followed were not good. For me, for anyone. All I wanted to do was sleep. I hurt all over. I was short with my family. I wanted to do absolutely nothing. And pretty much did just that.

 

I am thankful that the Lord is teaching me to recognize these moments and how to see Him again clearly. I am thankful for His Word and music that is filled with it to draw me back to Him. I am thankful that He is there for me, comforts me, and protects my heart.

 

The enemy is here to kill, steal and destory {John 10:10}. He would love to see me stay in the darkness: doubting God, full of despair {be without hope} and depressed {full of sadness and gloom}.

 

But I must always remember what is true about my God. He is good. He is with me. He goes before me. He will not leave me. He loves me. {Deuteronomy 31:8}

 

I must refocus on Jesus and cling to His promises. That is the only way to get through this storm we are facing. It is too difficult alone. But thankfully, I am not alone. EVER.

 

 

{Feet Wet by Stephan Speaks}
standing at the water's edge, i feel a trembling fear
as the waves crash 'round my ankles feel the thunder in my ear
i see the change is coming, the wind is at my back
but doubt overtakes me and my eyes turn to black
my past lurks behind me, keeping me on guard
i don't want to chance it, these steps are just too hard
i know He's behind me but what can i do
i'm frail, i'm human, and i don't want to fail you
{ i can't walk on water with these dirty feet
but He can walk on water and He'll carry me}
so put your arms around me carry me to sea
waves knock against me but i know I'm free
from death and loneliness, darkness, despair
this life is choppy but i don't care

Desert Song - Hillsong

Boldness Received

Psalm 136:1
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever.
        I cannot be more thankful for all the prayers for me yesterday. My doctor's appointment went so well and I know it was because of your prayers and that God was with me. I had a friend offer to go with me too and she watched Claire so I could stay focused and it was just good knowing there was someone standing with me at the office.

        I was taken back to the exam room very quickly but then had to wait. I was nervous. My doctor finally arrived and the first thing she asked was about my Easter and how it can be difficult to keep the focus on Jesus when there is so much out there about the bunny. I was told she was a believer too but had never asked her directly. I was so thankful our discussion started off this way. It boosted my confidence level.

It finally came time for me to step up and say I had questions. I started explaining my concerns about a breech delivery and the baby not being monitored. She listened well, but I could tell by her facial expressions she was concerned about me. I think she thought I was a little looney or dillusional.

        I don't remember all that was said exactly, but it took her awhile to understand me about wanting to be treated like all was well with Lyla. Based on the scans and tests, she said it would take a miracle. EXACTLY. I know that. I tried to reassure her that's what I meant. I know told her I understand what we have been told and seen for ourselves, but we are still praying and hoping that God will heal her completely on this earth. I feel confident we got there together and are on the same page.

        She explained a breech delivery further to me and why it is not typically done anymore. It has more to do with legal issues/misconceptions then the ability for it to be good option. She also explained the risks of a c-section to me as well. I definitely told her that was not my preference but also why I was thinking I would do it if necessary.

        After discussing it further, we will likely not go the c-section route unless the baby is sideways. That's the only way she can't deliver a baby. The reason being is because she doesn't want to put me at unnecessary risk because of my other children, my body has proven twice before to be able to deliver without the need of a c-section, and she does not know how I would react to the meds needed for a c-section and if Lyla were not healed, then she would not want me to miss out of valuable time with her when recovering from the drugs used.

       She also said we can do another ultrasound at 37 weeks and also one when I am in LABOR! So amazing.

       She also told me that if God was going to heal her even last minute that she didn't believe He would cause me to have a difficult labor needing a c-section or put the baby at further risk.

      I definitely feel at peace with our discussion. I also know this discussion would not have happened the way it did without your prayers and God speaking for me, because I did feel myself wanting to shut down and just say okay and leave, but I didn't. I just kept pushing.

More than grateful!

Here's how you can pray now:

• That Lyla would not be breech. She still has room to flip around. I don't know what position she is in right now.
• That the need for a c-section would not be necessary.
• That no matter the outcome that I would be fully alert and enjoy my time with her after delivery and with my family.
• Wisdom and discernment on whether we should tell Cole and Claire what is going on before the birth or not.

Praying for Boldness

Philippians 4:4-8

 ⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Would you pray with me that I would have the boldness I need to express what I want to my doctor regarding labor and delivery?

Here's the deal. I clam up when speaking with any doctor. When I am asked if I have questions, I usually say no or can't come up with any (at the time). When I leave, they all come rushing to mind. Anyone else like that?

I know what we have seen and been told my several doctors and technicians. I know. But I also still know, that God is working and can change His mind about what He has in store for this baby and her life. So with that, I need to explain to my doctor that I want this pregnancy to be carried out like any other normal pregnancy. I do get that it's really not normal, but everything to this point, as far as carrying this pregnancy, has been, so I don't want the delivery process to be different either, if possible.

When we saw the Maternal Fetal Specialists, we were told that Lyla would probably not be monitored like other babies. The basic reason for that was if she became in distress, they wouldn't want to put me through a c-section to help her since they say she can't be saved. Basically, I become number one priority. In their mind, there would only be one patient to care for instead of two. That didn't sit well with me.

I want Lyla to be monitored like any baby would be. If she is in distress, I want them to help her.

Do I want a c section? No, not really. It's not my preference.
Would I do it if necessary for any of my children who were experiencing distress? Yes!

At my last doctor's appointment, my doctor asked if I had any questions. Of course, I really didn't. I have done this before. But then, I came up with one. Would I have another ultrasound before birth to find out if she is breech? She said no. It wasn't necessary. She said I could deliver that way (breech). What?! I followed up slightly. I asked her what she meant and that I had NEVER heard of that before. She basically said in this situation it didn't matter. Again, what?! I just sat there thinking about that. Then left.

Okay, it does matter to me. So again, that didn't sit well. All that has been going through my head since I left that day has been, "What if she's healed?"

I want all the doctors and nurses to make medical decisions for the delivery as if Lyla were a perfectly healthy baby.

I need to be like the Canaanite woman in Matthew 15 who was persistent and bold and didn't give up on her daughter.

Will you pray that for me? My appointment is tomorrow morning, Tuesday at 10:30am. That I would have the boldness and courage to speak freely with my doctor about my delivery.

**********************************************************

Here is a little something I took away from last week's Bible Study:

If you are looking for the verse in the bible where we are promised an easy road/path/life, then you'll looking for a long time. It's not there. We were never promised easy or painless, but we were promised Jesus would walk with us. He goes before us and stands behind us.

And a few of my recent favorite songs. I love music. Could you tell?

The Hurt and The Healer {Mercy Me}
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

One Thing Remains {Jesus Culture}
Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains

Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me x3

On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains

In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love

Whom Shall I Fear {Chris Tomlin}
I know Who goes before me
I know Who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The One who reigns forever
He is a Friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side

For The Days I Question

Our Waiting Season

That's exactly where I feel like I am: a state of waiting. I am 30 weeks along and I am an intense planner yet I can't seem to figure how to plan for this. All I can do is wait. I am unaware how this will will turn out. I have not been given the privilege of seeing the big picture. I just am praying that He is preparing my heart for whatever may lie ahead for us.

We are also asking that He prepare us for sharing this with Cole. What to say? How much to say? We haven't said much at all about what the doctors have told us but are just enjoying Lyla and talk about her being his sister. But the other day, he remembered me crying at the appointment we received the news and asked why again. He hasn't brought that up since that day, so I think it's time.

The song below has been special to me for many years. It's written like a prayer and as I am walking through this, I pray the words often. I love how it says, "Lord, be in me what I cannot be."

Rush {Believers Church: Selah}

Rush over me like a river rushes over me.
Fall on me like a waterfall on me.

And be in me what I cannot be.

Rush over me.
Capture all of me.
I want to plunge into you.

Surround me, so you're all I see.
Let my eyes be fixed on you.

Lord, be in me what I cannot be.


My friend Jennifer shared an email from Proverbs 31 Ministries the other day and I thought it was spot on to where I am right now. I thought others may find it encouraging as well.


There Is Purpose in The Wait
By Wendy Pope

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14 (NLT)

Efficiency is my middle name. I like to get things done and get them done fast. Waiting for my computer to re-load a web page, or my kids to find their shoes, or even for God to come through on a prayer request isn't something I always do with patience.

In our hurry up, need it, gotta-have-it-now culture, it's easy to think we shouldn't have to wait. Think about it: within seconds we can know the weather in southern Mongolia, order a cute blouse from a trendy store, or move dinner from the freezer to the table in five minutes thanks to microwaves. We can instant message our mom or send a tweet to thousands in the blink of an eye. No wonder waiting is hard!

King David, the author of Psalm 27:14 was no stranger to waiting and knew full well of its difficulties. So when David wrote, "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD," it was with experience honed through years of waiting to fulfill God's destiny for him. That destiny started in the humble home of his father Jesse, and in the pasture herding sheep.

It started when the prophet Samuel showed up at Jesse's home to anoint the next king of Israel who was to be chosen from his family. Only one of Jesse's sons would be anointed. That son was David.

Scripture tells us the Spirit of God rushed over David and was with him the remainder of his days (1 Samuel 16:13 ESV). With such an anointing one would expect David to run to take his seat on the throne. But the only running David did was back to the pasture and his sheep.

Thus his wait began.

In the wait, God prepared David to be king. However, the only vocation David had known was shepherding. He did not know the ins and outs of kingly protocol or the rules of royal deity. David did not have the support of the people or armies to defend him as king. He was only a lowly shepherd boy. Instead of taking the position he was promised, David waited for God to move him from the pasture to the palace.

In the wait, God readied David by teaching many lessons about waiting. By examining and applying these truths we can find hope in the difficulty of waiting, and see how waiting now can be beneficial to our future.

Even though we are anointed and appointed we may still have to wait. David waited 15 years to be king of Judah and even longer to be king of all Israel.

If we allow it, our waiting will bring us to an intimate knowledge of God that we would not otherwise have. Most of David's beautiful and poetic psalms were written while in caves, caverns, and the wilderness, waiting on God.

God does not ignore the cries of His children. David cried and begged God for help, intervention, and defense. God never let David down.

Our waiting has a purpose for someone other that ourselves. It's not all about us. Just think of how rich our lives are today because of the wait David endured. We have the comfort, compassion, hope, and healing of the Psalms.

What awesome instructions David's life gives for waiting! Waiting is less difficult and the future is brighter when we let God do His work in our waiting season. When we let our guard and defenses down, we're open to seeing how faithful He is to bring His plans for our lives to fullness.

Dear Lord, help me wait well. I want be patient as You bring Your plan in my life to its fullness. I can't do this without You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Reflect and Respond:
Read more about David's life starting in 1 Samuel 16.

What is your first response to waiting?

Do you grow closer to or further from God when waiting? Why?

What has God taught you in today's devotion about waiting?

Power Verse:
Psalm 27:4, "One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple" (NIV 1984)

Isaiah 40:31, "... but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (NIV 1984)

Lamentations 3:24, "I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'" (NIV)

http://www.proverbs31.org/devotions/there-purpose-wait-2013-03/

We are thankful for the ways He has clearly already prepared us. And I know He will continue even when we can't see clearly.

"Not For A Moment" Vertical Church Band

A month or so ago, my friend Michelle shared this song on facebook and I loved it and wanted to share too. It is a beautiful song to remind us God is always with us and will never ever leave us. What a gift!

Wait.Hope.Expect

A couple weekends ago, I was visiting my mother-in-law while Brent went hunting with his dad and brother. I noticed a magnet on her refrigerator that read: wait. hope. expect. At first glance, I didn't get it or realize what it meant exactly. Then the next day, I was there at the sink again and re-read it. A light bulb went on in my head! I get it!

{WAIT} was one of the first words I heard from The Lord when receiving our news and for many days after. Even now, just in different ways, I am finding out how to wait on Him. I was to wait on Him and not abort. I was to wait on Him with the decision about the doctor.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." {Jeremiah 1:5}

Psalm 139 {The Voice}
13 For You shaped me, inside and out. You knitted me together in my mother’s womb long before I took my first breath.

14 I will offer You my grateful heart, for I am Your unique creation, filled with wonder and awe.
You have approached even the smallest details with excellence;
Your works are wonderful;
I carry this knowledge deep within my soul.

15 You see all things; nothing about me was hidden from You
As I took shape in secret,
carefully crafted in the heart of the earth before I was born from its womb.

16 You see all things;
You saw me growing, changing in my mother’s womb;
Every detail of my life was already written in Your book;
You established the length of my life before I ever tasted the sweetness of it.

17 Your thoughts and plans are treasures to me, O God! I cherish each and every one of them!
How grand in scope! How many in number!

18 If I could count each one of them, they would be more than all the grains of sand on earth. Their number is inconceivable!
Even when I wake up, I am still near to You.

We can't know exactly how this will play out in the end. Only God. We must wait on Him and trust Him always. He sees the big picture. I hear Him telling me to: {Wait on Me, I have something more in store for you and this baby. Don't end her life}.

God of Ages {Hillsong United}
You are the God who lives, You are the God who heals
You are my hope my everything
You brought salvation to us offered your peace to the earth
You are my Lord my everything
I'll trust in You

Next I heard {HOPE}. The first couple days were full of tears. I felt as though I couldn't breathe. An old song started to play in my head: Treasure {ShadoWalk}. The theme of that song and title of the album: "what's your hope built on?"

One thing's for sure, the storm is going to come
So I've got to ask you what's your hope built on?
Is it built on the sand?
I'm talking about things like fame, success, friendship, money and romance.
Or Is it built upon the rock?
'Cause in the end, that's the only thing that's for sure.
'Cause neither death, nor life, not the past, not the present, and not the future. Nothing under the earth, nothing over the earth, nothing on the earth. Nothing in all creation can separate us from the love of God. {Shadow Walk}

On our first ultrasound, when given the news, our baby's gender was not reveal. But I was sure we were expecting another girl. We had the name Lyla but we had not decided on a middle name. That week, after our news and before finding out the gender, the name hope was given to me. The Lord gave me that name to always remember where my hope lies. In Him.

Song of Hope {Robbie Seay Band}
I will sing a song of hope
Sing along
God of heaven come down
Heaven come down
Just to know that You are near is enough
God of heaven come down, heaven come down

Lastly, I heard {EXPECT}. I feel like this part is both wait and hope. It's unpredictable for us to know the end result, how exactly this journey will play out. Only The Lord knows what lies ahead and we must wait, hope and continue to trust in Him because we know He sees the big picture. We know that for sure. We also know that however this turns out that Lyla will be healed, fully restored. Will it look like what I have pictured and desire? I don't know. We can expect complete healing but will my perspective and outlook on that look the same as God's perspective? Either way she will be healed but which way will reveal God's glory and power the most? To know this, we must wait and see. We can expect Him to see us through this, no matter the outcome. He has walked with us every step of the way so far and will always continue.

I hear Him keep telling me: Expect great things for me. Remember who I AM.

I love this song by Gungor. Or formally known as The Michael Gungor Band. His music has been a huge part of my life. He was the worship leader of the church I went to in high school on Friday nights. It has always had a impact on me and drawn me close to The Lord. This particular song speaks to me right now because I love the reminder of how God is making beautiful things out of us. That He is so great and mighty that He created the first man out of DUST. Seriously?! Have you thought about that? It just reminds me that He can do all things. He can heal Lyla, form her skull, put the pieces of her brain back together, perfectly.

Beautiful Things {Gungor}
All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth,
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground at all?

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

Remember Lazarius? John 1-44? Jesus raised him from the dead. Dead. Stinky dead.

Dry Bones {Gungor}These bones cry out
These dry bones cry for you
To live and move
'Cause only You can raise the dead
Can lift my head upMy soul cries out
My soul cries out for you

So we continue to wait, hope and expect great things from our God. He is good.

Our First Visit

Last Tuesday {Jan. 29th}, we met our new doctor for the first time. The appointment went great and we left feeling at peace with her being our doctor. The Lord provided once again. I was nervous that day. Like I said before, I am not so great with change. So of course, I started comparing everything about the "look" of the office when we got there. It's older, less modern then the other. Does that make it any less better? No! Sometimes my mind is so silly about not so important details. The entire process of the appointment went well: checking in, the nurse, and the doctor. Everyone was sweet and kind. They did move alot slower then the other office. Not that is bad, just different. The doctor for sure moved slower, which is one of the best things about her! When she came in, she introduced herself and told me that she is here to support us and walk us through the rest of my pregnancy. She had received my chart earlier that day, so she didn't have many questions for us, but sat down in a chair and just talked to us and asked if we had any questions for her. That was a new experience. Brent and I always freeze when asked that question. We never know what to ask. But eventually we came up with something to ask her. Our other doctor was always saying things like "are you sure you want to put them through this?" Referring to our two other children. Our new doctor was the direct OPPOSITE. She was so encouraging about how loving and forgiving children are with babies. What a difference! We are beyond thankful to receive that piece of encouragement because that is a concern for us as parents with two other children. We want to protect them but we also want them to be apart of this journey. We were also told she was a believer from the peditrician who asked her to take me as a patient. There was not anything said in the appointment that directly confirmed that, but when we started talking about the birth, there was something she said that led me to believe that it was true. We discussed the possible outcomes of birth, which we knew but it was good to hear it from her and it was world's apart from our other experience. She simply and gently explained that babies with this diagnosis can be stillborn, live for a few moments, hours or days. "And sometimes they are perfectly fine!" That's exactly what she said! I feel like my heart jump when I heard that. I still know that may not be the outcome our Lord has for Lyla, but to hear her say that just made me know she believes alongside us that it's possible! And that is exactly what I had prayed for the week before. That we would find a doctor who would believe alongside us that God is able, no matter what her medical training tells her. She is very accommodating as well, such as letting me get my labs done closer to home. And we had questions about Lyla's appearance and she said for us to make an appointment for an ultrasound whenever we would like. They also have 4D in office and they fly a man in from Maryland to do ultrasounds. The appointment lady said "he's that good." So we get to see our sweet girl again on Monday {Feb. 11th}! Can't wait!

Update: New Doctor

Monday, January 21st {10am}, I wrote about our decision to change doctors. By the end of the SAME day, we had a new doctor! God is good!

The day before that post was Sunday. It was the first time I wrote in our Sunday School's prayer journal about this. I wrote that we were looking for a new doctor, that we need a clear open door. I was also talking to a friend in class and telling her that we basically need someone to know an ob, personally, and call on my behalf and for them to make an exception. Then during church, it was Prayer Request Sunday, where you fill out a white card and turn it in. Then that next Tuesday, all the pastors pray over EVERY card individually, during their staff meeting. It was my first time. I told them that I was looking for a new doctor, but specifically one who would believe along with us in God's ability to heal Lyla, no matter what their training and tests show them.

Monday night, I received an email from Brent's Aunt Mona. She has a friend who is a peditrician and shared our story with her. She is a believer and has been in a delivery with an anencephalic baby. And she knows an ob who is a believer too with experience in this area! The peditrician wanted me to call her that night, so I put my brave pants on and called her. I am not normally good at that sort of thing. She was SO encourgaing about our decision to carry Lyla and about this doctor she was recommending to us. She had actually already called her and told her about me! What?! Amazing! The ob said to call her office TOMORROW!! Wow!

Exactly what I said needed to happen, happened! Only God could have orchestrated such an event!

Our first appointment was scheduled for Tuesday, January 29th. Before I could have my first appointment, my records needed to be transferred, so I requested them on Wednesday {23rd}. I informed them about my appointment and how I needed them before then. I called on Monday to check and see if the new doctor's office had received them. No luck. I then called my old doctor and the medical records person is part time and said she didn't get the request until Friday {even though I saw her when I put in the request} and she was waiting for the doctor to sign off on them Monday or Tuesday. She doesn't work on Tuesdays. I reminded her again about my appointment.

On Tuesday morning {day of appointment}, I called the old doctor again. I asked if they would check on my files, if they had been sent, and that I knew the medical records person does not work that day, but my appointment was that day. This was at 9:30am. I explained what the status was to my bible study ladies and they were going to pray. One hour later, I receive a call from my old doctor's office saying they were sending them right then! God is SO good, all the time. Again, He came through for me and QUICKLY.

New Doctor

I feel The Lord has given me an answer about my doctor even before seeing her again last Thursday. Tuesday morning and throughout the rest of the day.

A couple months ago,I ran into my friend who recommended this doctor to me years ago. She spoke very highly of her at the time.

Before all this started, we happened to be at dewberry farms together (we don't see each often at all). She asked if I was still seeing my doctor and told me she wasn't because she didn't receive good care with her second baby. At that time, I brushed it off but once heard the news wondered if that was a warning I didn't recognize at the time.

Within minutes of writing my blog about my doctor, last week, she emailed me with more details about her experience and that she had heard from others the same thing. She felt because she didn't have a "normal" pregnancy she was no longer treated like she mattered. And also feels she might have been able to have more kids if she had switched.

That was the beginning of me knowing I should switch but I was still resistant. I don't like change this big. I am uncomfortable with it. And how am I suppose to find someone new that will support me?

Then on Tuesday {January 15th}, I went to a new study (for me), at Tallowood. My very first day. Several things were said that I felt like God was speaking directly to me. But the one thing that stuck out the most was when the teacher said that we get in our comfort zone but sometimes God is calling us out of that zone and to be uncomfortable and we will come out stronger for it. I know that applies in many ways but to me it was saying switch!

So I felt that was my answer most of the day, then I talked to my good friend Kara {PA} at our small group that night and she advised me,medically, to switch too.

So if all that wasn't enough...

Then as soon as I got home, I had a facebook email from an acquaintance my mom's church that's about my age. She told me she switched 4 times and all for different reasons and just encouraged me that I would know what is right for me and I would not regret my decision. And that God has this!

With all of these signs of confirmation, I cancelled my appointment last week. I just felt like I knew the right decision so clearly that I didn't want to go and start doubting myself again. It would be easy to just stay.

I got a list of doctors from some of my close friends and pastors, but so far have not found the doctor for me. They are either not taking new patients or their nurse has been rude about my situation and never calls back. Lots of closed doors.

I know God doesn't have any old doctor for me but the right one. One that will walk with me, support our decision and hopefully believe with us that know matter what tests show or their training tells them that our God is greater/stronger/healer. He is high above it all!

Will you pray with me that I will find a new doctor quickly so I don't have to go too long without medical care? That I will be bold and confident about the choice I make and I ask all the appropriate questions? That The Lord will continue to lead us through this process, as He so clearly has so far? That will be still and wait on Him to show us the way?

We so appreciate all the love, support and prayers!

To Stay or Not to Stay

Our follow-up appointment, with my doctor {December 21st}, did not go as I thought it would.

I have doubted if I should stay with my doctor since her initial recommendation. I kept going back and forth and still am. When I spoke with my doctor's nurse the week of December 21st, I decided maybe we would continue with her because The Source doctor we spoke to and her information lined up, but then when I actually saw my doctor, it no longer did.

The impression that I was given by her nurse is that it would be a consultation appointment to ask all our questions, now that we are calm and thinking clearly. It was not at all that way. She was running an hour late, rushed through all the normal checks and did not even ask if I had questions.

She basically was still encouraging us to chose abortion, at least that's how I took it. She asked if we were sure about moving forward with "this." If we had really thought about what this was going to do to our family. She said she would walk through this with us, if we chose to do so, but it surely did not feel that way.

Honestly, I left pretty angry. Was that my clear answer I had been asking for?

Over these last few weeks, I have been encouraged to see my doctor one more time after our specialist appointment. Maybe it was a bad day? Maybe I just need to be better about interrupting her and asking my questions, even if I am not asked first? I have been given great care by my doctor in the past with Cole and Claire. I am just hoping that does not change just because our baby has been given such a diagnosis. I want her to be given the same great treatment.

Our specialist appointment {January 7th} went very well. We were pleased with the care we were given. It was at the hospital with the Maternl Fetal Specialist from UTMB. The technician was very friendly and made sure we were okay throughout the ultrasound. Then the OB specialist came in to talk with us. It's like going to the dentist. The tech did all the work and the doctor just confirmed what she did {and what our doctor told us}.

We were then moved across the hall to speak with someone else. I think she was a genetic counselor, but honestly, I don't know her title. She was very kind and told us this part could be as long or short as we wanted it to be. We were able to ask a ton of our questions and she gave us information that maybe we had not thought of yet. She also told us I was welcome to come back every six weeks if I would like and would tell our doctor so.

Most importantly, she was another person who encouraged me about my doctor. She said it was important that we had good communication. That my doctor would tell me what she could do, but I also needed to be open with her about what I needed as well. If it's seeing me more often, then tell her that. But it's a two way street and it is very important throughout this process.

My next appointment with my doctor is Thursday {January 17th}. Will you pray with me that my answer will finally be clear about whether I should stay or change doctors? Will you pray that I am bold and ask all my questions? That I am honest about where we are coming from and what I need from her? Our desire is to receive the same great medical care as I received with my other two children or BETTER! I know she told us that our baby will not live BUT she does not have the final say. Only OUR GOD knows.