In Days of Darkness

Last week, I experiencd a couple of very dark days. It came on quick. And thankfully, it did not last long, because they were definitely rough.

In the beginning of our journey, I was encouraged NOT to do any reading on the internet about Lyla's condition. But being completely unfamiliar, I wanted to know what the doctors were saying about it. I wanted to understand.

I quickly understood that was good advice NOT to read about it and just focus on Jesus. I know it sounds like the perfect Sunday School answer, but it could not be more true.

It was what I HAD to do. The reading kept my focus in a place that was very black and white. It is what it is sort of thing. It was saying I was supposed to just accept it and nothing could change it.

But I know in my head that isn't true.

I stayed off all those web sites for several months, but then last week, I started wondering about a few things and started reading again. I took my eyes off Jesus.

That's where the darkness began to creep in again. I began to doubt {hesitate to believe, distrust, fear}. I must continue to believe in the healing power of God. He is ABLE to do all things, create all things, even those that are said to be broken. {Mark 11:22-24}

 

The days that followed were not good. For me, for anyone. All I wanted to do was sleep. I hurt all over. I was short with my family. I wanted to do absolutely nothing. And pretty much did just that.

 

I am thankful that the Lord is teaching me to recognize these moments and how to see Him again clearly. I am thankful for His Word and music that is filled with it to draw me back to Him. I am thankful that He is there for me, comforts me, and protects my heart.

 

The enemy is here to kill, steal and destory {John 10:10}. He would love to see me stay in the darkness: doubting God, full of despair {be without hope} and depressed {full of sadness and gloom}.

 

But I must always remember what is true about my God. He is good. He is with me. He goes before me. He will not leave me. He loves me. {Deuteronomy 31:8}

 

I must refocus on Jesus and cling to His promises. That is the only way to get through this storm we are facing. It is too difficult alone. But thankfully, I am not alone. EVER.

 

 

{Feet Wet by Stephan Speaks}
standing at the water's edge, i feel a trembling fear
as the waves crash 'round my ankles feel the thunder in my ear
i see the change is coming, the wind is at my back
but doubt overtakes me and my eyes turn to black
my past lurks behind me, keeping me on guard
i don't want to chance it, these steps are just too hard
i know He's behind me but what can i do
i'm frail, i'm human, and i don't want to fail you
{ i can't walk on water with these dirty feet
but He can walk on water and He'll carry me}
so put your arms around me carry me to sea
waves knock against me but i know I'm free
from death and loneliness, darkness, despair
this life is choppy but i don't care

Desert Song - Hillsong

Boldness Received

Psalm 136:1
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever.
        I cannot be more thankful for all the prayers for me yesterday. My doctor's appointment went so well and I know it was because of your prayers and that God was with me. I had a friend offer to go with me too and she watched Claire so I could stay focused and it was just good knowing there was someone standing with me at the office.

        I was taken back to the exam room very quickly but then had to wait. I was nervous. My doctor finally arrived and the first thing she asked was about my Easter and how it can be difficult to keep the focus on Jesus when there is so much out there about the bunny. I was told she was a believer too but had never asked her directly. I was so thankful our discussion started off this way. It boosted my confidence level.

It finally came time for me to step up and say I had questions. I started explaining my concerns about a breech delivery and the baby not being monitored. She listened well, but I could tell by her facial expressions she was concerned about me. I think she thought I was a little looney or dillusional.

        I don't remember all that was said exactly, but it took her awhile to understand me about wanting to be treated like all was well with Lyla. Based on the scans and tests, she said it would take a miracle. EXACTLY. I know that. I tried to reassure her that's what I meant. I know told her I understand what we have been told and seen for ourselves, but we are still praying and hoping that God will heal her completely on this earth. I feel confident we got there together and are on the same page.

        She explained a breech delivery further to me and why it is not typically done anymore. It has more to do with legal issues/misconceptions then the ability for it to be good option. She also explained the risks of a c-section to me as well. I definitely told her that was not my preference but also why I was thinking I would do it if necessary.

        After discussing it further, we will likely not go the c-section route unless the baby is sideways. That's the only way she can't deliver a baby. The reason being is because she doesn't want to put me at unnecessary risk because of my other children, my body has proven twice before to be able to deliver without the need of a c-section, and she does not know how I would react to the meds needed for a c-section and if Lyla were not healed, then she would not want me to miss out of valuable time with her when recovering from the drugs used.

       She also said we can do another ultrasound at 37 weeks and also one when I am in LABOR! So amazing.

       She also told me that if God was going to heal her even last minute that she didn't believe He would cause me to have a difficult labor needing a c-section or put the baby at further risk.

      I definitely feel at peace with our discussion. I also know this discussion would not have happened the way it did without your prayers and God speaking for me, because I did feel myself wanting to shut down and just say okay and leave, but I didn't. I just kept pushing.

More than grateful!

Here's how you can pray now:

• That Lyla would not be breech. She still has room to flip around. I don't know what position she is in right now.
• That the need for a c-section would not be necessary.
• That no matter the outcome that I would be fully alert and enjoy my time with her after delivery and with my family.
• Wisdom and discernment on whether we should tell Cole and Claire what is going on before the birth or not.

Praying for Boldness

Philippians 4:4-8

 ⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Would you pray with me that I would have the boldness I need to express what I want to my doctor regarding labor and delivery?

Here's the deal. I clam up when speaking with any doctor. When I am asked if I have questions, I usually say no or can't come up with any (at the time). When I leave, they all come rushing to mind. Anyone else like that?

I know what we have seen and been told my several doctors and technicians. I know. But I also still know, that God is working and can change His mind about what He has in store for this baby and her life. So with that, I need to explain to my doctor that I want this pregnancy to be carried out like any other normal pregnancy. I do get that it's really not normal, but everything to this point, as far as carrying this pregnancy, has been, so I don't want the delivery process to be different either, if possible.

When we saw the Maternal Fetal Specialists, we were told that Lyla would probably not be monitored like other babies. The basic reason for that was if she became in distress, they wouldn't want to put me through a c-section to help her since they say she can't be saved. Basically, I become number one priority. In their mind, there would only be one patient to care for instead of two. That didn't sit well with me.

I want Lyla to be monitored like any baby would be. If she is in distress, I want them to help her.

Do I want a c section? No, not really. It's not my preference.
Would I do it if necessary for any of my children who were experiencing distress? Yes!

At my last doctor's appointment, my doctor asked if I had any questions. Of course, I really didn't. I have done this before. But then, I came up with one. Would I have another ultrasound before birth to find out if she is breech? She said no. It wasn't necessary. She said I could deliver that way (breech). What?! I followed up slightly. I asked her what she meant and that I had NEVER heard of that before. She basically said in this situation it didn't matter. Again, what?! I just sat there thinking about that. Then left.

Okay, it does matter to me. So again, that didn't sit well. All that has been going through my head since I left that day has been, "What if she's healed?"

I want all the doctors and nurses to make medical decisions for the delivery as if Lyla were a perfectly healthy baby.

I need to be like the Canaanite woman in Matthew 15 who was persistent and bold and didn't give up on her daughter.

Will you pray that for me? My appointment is tomorrow morning, Tuesday at 10:30am. That I would have the boldness and courage to speak freely with my doctor about my delivery.

**********************************************************

Here is a little something I took away from last week's Bible Study:

If you are looking for the verse in the bible where we are promised an easy road/path/life, then you'll looking for a long time. It's not there. We were never promised easy or painless, but we were promised Jesus would walk with us. He goes before us and stands behind us.

And a few of my recent favorite songs. I love music. Could you tell?

The Hurt and The Healer {Mercy Me}
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

One Thing Remains {Jesus Culture}
Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains

Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me x3

On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains

In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love

Whom Shall I Fear {Chris Tomlin}
I know Who goes before me
I know Who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The One who reigns forever
He is a Friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side

For The Days I Question

Our Waiting Season

That's exactly where I feel like I am: a state of waiting. I am 30 weeks along and I am an intense planner yet I can't seem to figure how to plan for this. All I can do is wait. I am unaware how this will will turn out. I have not been given the privilege of seeing the big picture. I just am praying that He is preparing my heart for whatever may lie ahead for us.

We are also asking that He prepare us for sharing this with Cole. What to say? How much to say? We haven't said much at all about what the doctors have told us but are just enjoying Lyla and talk about her being his sister. But the other day, he remembered me crying at the appointment we received the news and asked why again. He hasn't brought that up since that day, so I think it's time.

The song below has been special to me for many years. It's written like a prayer and as I am walking through this, I pray the words often. I love how it says, "Lord, be in me what I cannot be."

Rush {Believers Church: Selah}

Rush over me like a river rushes over me.
Fall on me like a waterfall on me.

And be in me what I cannot be.

Rush over me.
Capture all of me.
I want to plunge into you.

Surround me, so you're all I see.
Let my eyes be fixed on you.

Lord, be in me what I cannot be.


My friend Jennifer shared an email from Proverbs 31 Ministries the other day and I thought it was spot on to where I am right now. I thought others may find it encouraging as well.


There Is Purpose in The Wait
By Wendy Pope

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14 (NLT)

Efficiency is my middle name. I like to get things done and get them done fast. Waiting for my computer to re-load a web page, or my kids to find their shoes, or even for God to come through on a prayer request isn't something I always do with patience.

In our hurry up, need it, gotta-have-it-now culture, it's easy to think we shouldn't have to wait. Think about it: within seconds we can know the weather in southern Mongolia, order a cute blouse from a trendy store, or move dinner from the freezer to the table in five minutes thanks to microwaves. We can instant message our mom or send a tweet to thousands in the blink of an eye. No wonder waiting is hard!

King David, the author of Psalm 27:14 was no stranger to waiting and knew full well of its difficulties. So when David wrote, "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD," it was with experience honed through years of waiting to fulfill God's destiny for him. That destiny started in the humble home of his father Jesse, and in the pasture herding sheep.

It started when the prophet Samuel showed up at Jesse's home to anoint the next king of Israel who was to be chosen from his family. Only one of Jesse's sons would be anointed. That son was David.

Scripture tells us the Spirit of God rushed over David and was with him the remainder of his days (1 Samuel 16:13 ESV). With such an anointing one would expect David to run to take his seat on the throne. But the only running David did was back to the pasture and his sheep.

Thus his wait began.

In the wait, God prepared David to be king. However, the only vocation David had known was shepherding. He did not know the ins and outs of kingly protocol or the rules of royal deity. David did not have the support of the people or armies to defend him as king. He was only a lowly shepherd boy. Instead of taking the position he was promised, David waited for God to move him from the pasture to the palace.

In the wait, God readied David by teaching many lessons about waiting. By examining and applying these truths we can find hope in the difficulty of waiting, and see how waiting now can be beneficial to our future.

Even though we are anointed and appointed we may still have to wait. David waited 15 years to be king of Judah and even longer to be king of all Israel.

If we allow it, our waiting will bring us to an intimate knowledge of God that we would not otherwise have. Most of David's beautiful and poetic psalms were written while in caves, caverns, and the wilderness, waiting on God.

God does not ignore the cries of His children. David cried and begged God for help, intervention, and defense. God never let David down.

Our waiting has a purpose for someone other that ourselves. It's not all about us. Just think of how rich our lives are today because of the wait David endured. We have the comfort, compassion, hope, and healing of the Psalms.

What awesome instructions David's life gives for waiting! Waiting is less difficult and the future is brighter when we let God do His work in our waiting season. When we let our guard and defenses down, we're open to seeing how faithful He is to bring His plans for our lives to fullness.

Dear Lord, help me wait well. I want be patient as You bring Your plan in my life to its fullness. I can't do this without You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Reflect and Respond:
Read more about David's life starting in 1 Samuel 16.

What is your first response to waiting?

Do you grow closer to or further from God when waiting? Why?

What has God taught you in today's devotion about waiting?

Power Verse:
Psalm 27:4, "One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple" (NIV 1984)

Isaiah 40:31, "... but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (NIV 1984)

Lamentations 3:24, "I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'" (NIV)

http://www.proverbs31.org/devotions/there-purpose-wait-2013-03/

We are thankful for the ways He has clearly already prepared us. And I know He will continue even when we can't see clearly.

"Not For A Moment" Vertical Church Band

A month or so ago, my friend Michelle shared this song on facebook and I loved it and wanted to share too. It is a beautiful song to remind us God is always with us and will never ever leave us. What a gift!

Wait.Hope.Expect

A couple weekends ago, I was visiting my mother-in-law while Brent went hunting with his dad and brother. I noticed a magnet on her refrigerator that read: wait. hope. expect. At first glance, I didn't get it or realize what it meant exactly. Then the next day, I was there at the sink again and re-read it. A light bulb went on in my head! I get it!

{WAIT} was one of the first words I heard from The Lord when receiving our news and for many days after. Even now, just in different ways, I am finding out how to wait on Him. I was to wait on Him and not abort. I was to wait on Him with the decision about the doctor.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." {Jeremiah 1:5}

Psalm 139 {The Voice}
13 For You shaped me, inside and out. You knitted me together in my mother’s womb long before I took my first breath.

14 I will offer You my grateful heart, for I am Your unique creation, filled with wonder and awe.
You have approached even the smallest details with excellence;
Your works are wonderful;
I carry this knowledge deep within my soul.

15 You see all things; nothing about me was hidden from You
As I took shape in secret,
carefully crafted in the heart of the earth before I was born from its womb.

16 You see all things;
You saw me growing, changing in my mother’s womb;
Every detail of my life was already written in Your book;
You established the length of my life before I ever tasted the sweetness of it.

17 Your thoughts and plans are treasures to me, O God! I cherish each and every one of them!
How grand in scope! How many in number!

18 If I could count each one of them, they would be more than all the grains of sand on earth. Their number is inconceivable!
Even when I wake up, I am still near to You.

We can't know exactly how this will play out in the end. Only God. We must wait on Him and trust Him always. He sees the big picture. I hear Him telling me to: {Wait on Me, I have something more in store for you and this baby. Don't end her life}.

God of Ages {Hillsong United}
You are the God who lives, You are the God who heals
You are my hope my everything
You brought salvation to us offered your peace to the earth
You are my Lord my everything
I'll trust in You

Next I heard {HOPE}. The first couple days were full of tears. I felt as though I couldn't breathe. An old song started to play in my head: Treasure {ShadoWalk}. The theme of that song and title of the album: "what's your hope built on?"

One thing's for sure, the storm is going to come
So I've got to ask you what's your hope built on?
Is it built on the sand?
I'm talking about things like fame, success, friendship, money and romance.
Or Is it built upon the rock?
'Cause in the end, that's the only thing that's for sure.
'Cause neither death, nor life, not the past, not the present, and not the future. Nothing under the earth, nothing over the earth, nothing on the earth. Nothing in all creation can separate us from the love of God. {Shadow Walk}

On our first ultrasound, when given the news, our baby's gender was not reveal. But I was sure we were expecting another girl. We had the name Lyla but we had not decided on a middle name. That week, after our news and before finding out the gender, the name hope was given to me. The Lord gave me that name to always remember where my hope lies. In Him.

Song of Hope {Robbie Seay Band}
I will sing a song of hope
Sing along
God of heaven come down
Heaven come down
Just to know that You are near is enough
God of heaven come down, heaven come down

Lastly, I heard {EXPECT}. I feel like this part is both wait and hope. It's unpredictable for us to know the end result, how exactly this journey will play out. Only The Lord knows what lies ahead and we must wait, hope and continue to trust in Him because we know He sees the big picture. We know that for sure. We also know that however this turns out that Lyla will be healed, fully restored. Will it look like what I have pictured and desire? I don't know. We can expect complete healing but will my perspective and outlook on that look the same as God's perspective? Either way she will be healed but which way will reveal God's glory and power the most? To know this, we must wait and see. We can expect Him to see us through this, no matter the outcome. He has walked with us every step of the way so far and will always continue.

I hear Him keep telling me: Expect great things for me. Remember who I AM.

I love this song by Gungor. Or formally known as The Michael Gungor Band. His music has been a huge part of my life. He was the worship leader of the church I went to in high school on Friday nights. It has always had a impact on me and drawn me close to The Lord. This particular song speaks to me right now because I love the reminder of how God is making beautiful things out of us. That He is so great and mighty that He created the first man out of DUST. Seriously?! Have you thought about that? It just reminds me that He can do all things. He can heal Lyla, form her skull, put the pieces of her brain back together, perfectly.

Beautiful Things {Gungor}
All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth,
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground at all?

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

Remember Lazarius? John 1-44? Jesus raised him from the dead. Dead. Stinky dead.

Dry Bones {Gungor}These bones cry out
These dry bones cry for you
To live and move
'Cause only You can raise the dead
Can lift my head upMy soul cries out
My soul cries out for you

So we continue to wait, hope and expect great things from our God. He is good.

DIY: Upholstered Headboard

Back in February 2012 {yes, a year ago} or so, my husband was out of town with his family on their annual hunting trip. My sister-in-law knew we were looking for a kitchen table and happened to see some super clearance table tops for $20. Well of course, I asked him to stop in there on his way home.

As he was looking around, he stumbled upon a king headboard too. It was marked $20 but he talked them down to $5 because of some damage we would have to fix! Awesome find!

Well, like many projects it sat in our house/garage for 7 months before figuring out how we were going to put it to use. At first, we thought there was only a small gash that could be filled and restained or painted. But then we noticed one of the sleigh curves on the side was missing. It was going to be tougher then we thought to fix it and make look good.

A few weeks passed, I came up with the idea of creating a tuffed upholstered headboard. I did a little research and looked over pinterest.
Supply List:
Cost: $112*
*With sales and Joann's coupons

Do you know that there's a Joann's APP? If you don't have it, then GO get it! There are all the current coupons right there on your phone and they just scan your phone. How cool is that?! And did you know that they let you use multiple coupons at once?! Seriously get the app!

The How:
#1: Find an old, solid headboard that you aren't using or from goodwill or garage sale. Other sites used plywood. Reusing something is green. ;)


#2: mark and measured where you want your tuffs to be located.



#3: drill holes in board.


#4: cut your 2" foam to size and use spray adhesive to attach it to the board.


#5: use batting or an old sheet (the green alternative) to cover the foam and use a staple gun to attach to the back of the board.


#6: select your material to cover your headboard. I ended up using a set of two curtain panels I found at Home Goods. They were 84" in length and about 54" wide. If you decided to purchase fabric it would need to be at least 3-4 yards, depending on the size of your headboard. To have enough length on the sides, I had to have one seam and decided to put that right down the middle. Make sure you fabric is straight, especially of there is a design of any kind. Use staple gun to secure tightly. These will likely be temporary staples** and you will add more later. Use enough that fabric stays in place, 4 corners and center at least.




{tuffed top}

**I did not use temporary staples like I wrote in step 6 but it is something I learned that I should have done through my experience. If you want to staples all around, use as many staples as desired. I just ended up having to removed almost all my first staples once I did all the tuffing because there were wrinkles and the fabric needed to be pulled tighter.


#7: use a botton cover kit and make all your buttons. The instructions on back of the kind I picked were easy to follow.




#8: begin the tuffing process.



#9: pull material tight and finish stapling it securely to the back of the board.


#10: attach to bed frame.

Brother Sister Love

I love watching and hearing Cole and Claire play together. Their relationship has been blossoming over the last several months.

Claire is finally to the point where she plays with Cole instead of just around him. She loves her big brother. It is so cute how she looks up to him and does whatever he is doing. She dresses up in all his superhero costumes, plays sword fight, "hi-ya's" and all. Don't worry he plays babies with her too. :)


Cole loves to look out for Claire. He enjoys getting her up in the morning or from her naps. Their conversations are precious! I wish I could get them on tape somehow. Lately, when he gets her up, they end up playing in his room for awhile building forts with all their pillows and blankets.


Cole also helps set a good example for Claire. She definitely wants to do things her way but if she sees Cole do what we ask, she quickly follows.

Love these two! They are so fun!